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Yoga
yoga experience and practice
BEING FAT
(I cannot believe I am posting this but figure I have sworn to be honest and this is honest - God help me!)
I am not going to tell you how much I weigh but I have struggled with my weight since I
was a teenager. As a child I was very very skinny so skinny that my doctor told my
parents to basically let me eat whatever I wanted and to say my choices were not
fabulous is an understatement. I chose oreo's and milk, lots of candy and soda. My diet
was a disaster. But after about three years I was no longer skinny enough to be below
the charts for my age and height.
Then something shocking happened. I hit puberty and I continued to eat cookies and
ice cream and cake. I continued to drink soda and other high calorie beverages and as
shocking as it seems I got FAT. By this time my parents were in the middle of a divorce
so the reality is they were both too busy trying to deal with their lives to really give my
life any real thought. In order to avoid the pain of the divorce and the demise of my
family I ate more. Food was tasty. It did not judge me and the reality is I ate so much so
often that I was physically uncomfortable and when I was physically uncomfortable I did
not have to deal with my emotions. When my stomach was killing me I did not have the
mental energy to feel the heartbreak. I learned this lesson well and for seven years used
food as a drug a way to distance myself from my emotions.
When I was around twenty-two I found different ways to distance myself from my
emotions. Not a single alternative was healthy or life affirming however there was one
side effect that was fantastic and this was I lost weight and I lost a large amount quickly.
This got my parents attention and god bless them instead of asking themselves how I
could be losing so much weight so quickly my father offered to pay me five-hundred
dollars if I got down to one-hundred and twenty-five pounds. I am 5'8. I took him up on
his offer and in know time I had gotten my five hundred dollars and surprisingly this
money was gone in about forty-eight hours and I had nothing to show for my windfall.
No one asked me where the money went.
Fast forward nine months. It was late at night and I was contemplating my life and
realized I had two choices to continue down the path I was currently walking or I could
move in a different direction that was much more likely to allow me to live. I chose life.
With life came food and I went right back into my destructive patterns. I had not
addressed the issues that led me to eat as a teenager and I had not addressed the
issues that led me to chose destructive patterns as a young adult so in a matter of
months my weight skyrocketed. Once again bless my parents for while they did not ask
how I had lost weight so quickly or where five hundred dollars had gone in forty-eight
hours they wanted to know (especially my dad) how I had gotten so fat so quickly. I was
not going to tell them that I had given up one bad habit for another so I told them that I
did not know. My mother stopped asking me about my weight after about a year
however it was an on-going conversation with my father until my late thirties and the
only reason the conversation halted was because one day I screamed at him to never
ever ask me about my weight again. By this time even though I was fat I had graduated
from law school, gotten married, was a step-mother to a beautiful child, had a good job
and was respected in my field and yet I still struggled with my weight.
The difference was I knew why I ate and the reasons where many. I ate as a reward, I ate
for comfort, I ate out of anger, I ate because of anxiety, I ate because I was tired, I ate
because I could not sleep. The reality is that I ate and I ate and I ate for any and all
reasons. I knew why I ate and yet I continued to eat. The only saving grace was that I
also did some exercise. I believe the exercise was the only thing that saved me from
weighing over three hundred pounds because the reality is I ate enough to weigh three
hundred pounds.
When I hit forty things began to change. The change was slow but there was a definite
shift in my world view. All of a sudden I really did not care how I looked. From fifteen
until forty I did a very good job convincing people that I did not care how I look and the
reality is that no one has ever loved me because of my looks or wanted to be my friend
because of the way I looked so early on I did have to develop a personality which I did
and which I would not trade for the world but when I am completely honest with myself
the reality is that I did care how I looked but because I was fat and found myself so
unattractive I did not bother with make-up or having my hair done or worrying about my
clothes. I also had no mirrors in my house and I would avoid them at all costs including
not going to restaurants that had mirrors but like I said at forty there was a shift.
I wanted to be free in my body. I wanted to walk around in a bathing suit and really not
care what people thought instead of just pretending I did not care. I also wanted to be
healthy and be at peace with my body. So with a change in my attitude came a change
in my behavior. The first thing I did was switch to an all organic diet and there was a
very large part of me that wanted to believe that if I stopped eating pesticides and other
toxins the weight would just drop off and would no longer be an issue. This did not
happen. But I felt better. The next step was to start taking probiotics. Once again I
thought if I just clean out my system I will be in great shape and the weight will
disappear. It did not but all of my stomach problems did and this was life changing. My
next step was to join a gym and get a personal trainer. This helped a little I lost a few
pounds but I hated it. The gym was noisy and lifting weights was boring and the reality
is that I thought since I was burning so many calories I could eat whatever I wanted.
Guess what this is not true. So after losing about four pounds my weight stayed
stagnant and I quit.
Then I found yoga specifically bikram yoga and everything changed. If you have not
Bikram before let me tell you a little something about it. You do it in a room that is
surrounded by mirrors. The room is heated to 105 degrees. The only person who
speaks is the instructor and you sweat. I loved it. With that said I still avoided mirrors a
real talent when you are surrounded but I looked at the ceiling and at other people and at
the floor really anywhere but at myself. Then I had a private lesson. The first thing my
instructor told me was that I needed to look in the mirror. I pretended to be confused of
course I was looking in the mirror. My instructor was very patient and very firm and told
me that I was not looking in the mirror and that until I looked in the mirror I would never
really be able to see myself and that until I really saw myself I would not move forward. I
looked in the mirror. It was not easy and I did not like what I saw but I realized this was it
- it was me in the mirror. My bad hair, my stomach that was quite large and very white
(as if had never seen the light of day and yes I was able to see it because I only wore
shorts and a sports bra remember the room was 105 degrees way to hot to wear a t-
shirt) my skinny legs and my flat butt. It was all there on display and then there was a
miracle. It was all OK. I also saw my eyes which were full of humor and intelligence. I
saw my hands that held and loved babies. I saw my arms that carried groceries it was
me in the mirror and while the picture may not have been perfect the life was pretty damn
nice.
Since I saw myself for probably the first time in my life I have lost fifteen pounds. I stand
up straighter. I am learning to love my body. I can see changes and most importantly I
no longer have to hide and since I do not have to hide I know longer need to eat. For the
first time in my life I have a healthy relationship with food. I eat what I want when I am
hungry. I know longer have to eat as if there is no tomorrow. As if I will not have another
opportunity to have creme brulee or an ice cream sundae. For me for the first time there
is a tomorrow and it is a tomorrow where I still hope to weigh less then today but also
one where I see myself.
Back on the Horse
I hit day 67 and hit a WALL - mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically. Yoga had
become one more thing I needed to do - one more commitment in a life that is full of
commitments. I also had a fantastic instructor who was doing all that she could to keep
me motivated and involved. All this did was make me insane. I am a type A personality -
I also realized that I am much happier when I am the one giving the instructions instead
of taking them - this will surprise no one who knows me. I had an insight that this is a
character flaw - I should be open to feedback and encouragement from others. With that
said after 20 years of therapy I am not dealing with it - I am going to just live with this
character flaw and let others deal with it. So I told my lovely instructor to please stop
giving me encouragement. I am just going to go to yoga and do my best and if and
when I am ready for feedback I will treat myself to a private instruction. Until then -
NAMASTE - NAMASTE - NAMASTE
LOOKING BACK
Garurasana
I remember the first time I heard that word, it was close to 90 days ago and I do not believe I have ever
willingly been that hot before and though I did not know it at the time I was not even a third of the way done
with my first Byram Yoga class. Additionally, there was a very real possibility that I might pass out (which I
did not out of sheer mortification of waking up with a large number of skinny, beautiful women standing
over me while I looked a little too much like a beached whale for my comfort)
I had been listening to a friend of mine talk about Bikram Yoga for the past six months. Along with talking
about the benefits of her yoga practice I saw a number of outward changes. The one that was most
apparent was that she was glowing and I mean glowing, life an elf in a Peter Jackson film. I thought that I
wanted to glow - glowing and kissing Viggo Mortenson might be worth 90 minutes of my time a day.
The next change was her mood. My dear friend does the same "work" that I do, she is a lawyer with a
focus on issues that revolve around child welfare. It is a job that tends to make anyone who chooses to
practice this type of law very grumpy very quickly. But not my friend, she was prancing around, glowing
and joyful. It was annoying. I also was intrigued.
The third change was her body. Not only was she losing weight but her body shape was changing. Things
that should stick out were not only sticking out but they were higher. Places where one is supposed to
curve were curving. Her body was becoming a piece of art.
At this point I figured I had a few options.
I could stop looking and listening to her and seeing as how I love her and think she is one of the kindest
people on the planet this was not realistic. Additionally I work with her so I had to talk to her.
I could just say screw it and as I moved into the second half (that is a scary phrase) of my forties I could
just let my body slump into the sofa never to work again and accept the fate of achy shoulders and backs
and feet and blah blah blah
I could go with her to Yoga and that is what I did
As of today day 71 I have lost 12 pounds and have lowered by blood pressure. While my skin may not be
glowing at a Peter Jackson rate my complexion is clearer then it has ever been. I am sleeping better and
while I am nowhere near prancing I do appear to be a little less cranky as my desire to kill people has gone
down from 10 plus times a day to maybe only four or five. I may have even had one or two days when I felt
at one with the world.
So back to Garurasana/Eagle Pose my favorite. It is my favorite for two reasons the first is that it is the
first pose where I am seeing a real improvement. When I first started I could not wrap my arms or legs
around themselves. Today I can stand for the full minute with my hands clasped before my face balancing
on one leg with my foot behind my calf. For me this is a minor miracle. The second reason is Eagle Pose
is right before PARTY TIME and anyone who knows anything about sweating in a Bikram Yoga studio for
90 minutes while the temperature rises to 105 degrees knows how important party time is!!
Namaste
• 90 classes - 90 days
8/16/2009
Today is day 37 of my yoga challenge. Thirty seven days ago I entered a hot yoga studio for the first time
in my life at the end of class I signed up and decided I would do 90 classes in 90 days - it was my hope
and desire that I would take a class everyday and I did this for the first 34 days. On day 35 a muscle I
pulled was so uncomfortable that I was incapable of walking - so I rested.
It was very hard for me as I had set a goal and I do not like to lose or fail. The pulled muscle is a part of
my lesson that I need to let go and be in the moment. That I need to listen to my body. That my body is a
gift that I have been ignoring for decades. I am breathing through my disappointment and it is hard.
I rested on day 35 - on day 36 I did 3/4 of the class in our local pool - for the first time in a week my leg felt
better and I could stand straight when I got out of the water.
Today is day 37 - my leg is healing - I will go back to the pool today and do my yoga poses there. I will be
grateful that I have a place to swim. I will be grateful that my body works. I will not beat myself up because
I am not in "class" that is one of the things I am learning as I do yoga - to live in the moment - to be kind to
myself and what I am seeing is that the kinder I am to me - the kinder I am to others
• INJURY
I really hurt my leg four weeks ago and since then it has been a struggle to continue with my challenge,
however I have.
Today is day 59 and I have done yoga almost everyday. My goal was to do it everyday but my life has
gotten in the way and while there is a large part of me that wants to concede defeat and therefore no
longer have to hold myself accountable this is not an option.
I am continuing. I am moving forward and what yoga is teaching me is that the moving forward is the real
success the refusal to sit down and out for the count is the real success.
After hurting my leg my brother and I traveled to see our father. He is in declining health I do not know if I
will see him again. The trip was full of heartache and yet had moments of laughter. I did my yoga. It was
in my room, it was at night and it was done with some tears but I did it and I will continue to do it - what I am
finding out is that yoga is more then just poses. Yoga is a life style. Yoga helps you to be kind to yourself
and others. Yoga reminds you that we really are all connected in ways that at least I cannot even begin to
understand. Yoga is moving me forward
I was home for ten days and then my husband and I traveled to the beach with friends. I did a few yoga
poses (not many - we did take one class - it was not Bikram but Hatha - I like Bikram better but after taking
this class I am going to read about other types of yoga and that is a good thing) I still practiced my yoga - I
tried to be kind and practice patience. I lived in the moment - which is very easy to do when you are sitting
on the beach watching the waves roll in as the breeze caresses your skin at the perfect temperature. I will
take these moments with me as I go back to work and go back to the beach and remember the feeling and
breath when people drive me crazy (which will happen)
Tomorrow I go back to class. A class a day, some days two until the next time my life interrupts my class
schedule. What I know is that the commitment I made 59 days ago is still going strong and while it does
not look exactly like I thought it would the real reality is that I have practiced yoga everyday for the past 59
days and I am committed to practicing yoga for the next however many days that my life continues
• Weight
As of six days ago I have lost 13 pounds and dropped my blood pressure by 15 points. I just spent five
days at the beach and according to my scale I have regained 4.5 pounds. The big question is how do I
react to this. In the past I would have used this as an excuse to say screw it and once again start eating
what I wanted, when I wanted without taking responsibility for the outcome and the eventual gain of all I
had lost
TODAY THIS IS NOT AN OPTION
Today I am on a liquid fast - this may not be for everyone and I will only do this for 24 hours but I need to
take an action that says to my mind and my body I MATTER. I am not going to let all that I have worked for
be thrown out of the window because of four days where I did not pay attention. NO THANK YOU
I also have realized that in the future I am going to need to plan better for time away from my normal
routine. From this day forward I will travel with a scale or ensure that where I am going has a scale. I do
not believe in living always by the numbers but it appears that when I am away I need a little reminder. So
from this day forth instead of me and my shadow it will be me and my scale.
I am also going to do a better job of paying attention to food. Why is it that I think that food eaten on
vacation is free food. It is not. Whether I am at my kitchen table or at the beach a candy bar is always
loaded with fat and potato chips are always loaded with sodium. While an apple is something that will help
to keep my teeth clean and give me the fiber I need - so yes on this journey I am beginning to realize that
EVERYDAY matters - every choice matters and while there is no way I am giving up bread or cheese or
chocolate or ice cream or any of my other favorites I am DECIDING that I will not eat them all at the SAME
MEAL and maybe not even all in the same day and that is OK - I do not need food to make me feel good. I
need to sweat, I need to read, I need to move I need to laugh at times I need to cry and it is all OK
• 9/11/2001
The day cannot pass with out a thought to all that happened on 9/11/2001. Peace for all involved in every
way
• Everyday
Everyday - I knew this day was coming but I am not sure that I am ready to accept this - and you ask what
is it? It is the reality that I am going to have to exercise everyday I do not think I want to exercise
everyday. I do not want to eat right everyday. I do not want to be responsible for my actions everyday but
the reality is I am out of luck. If I want to be healthy and I do and if I want to be balanced and I do and if I
do not want to end up slumpy and old before my time and I do not I need to do this everyday. God Help Me
• What I wish someone had told me!
I have a lot of things that I wish someone had told me i.e. before you buy a house check to make sure that
the windows do not have things growing in them (true story) that at twenty when you think you are fat you
are really really sexy but since this is about yoga I am going to focus on the things I wish people had told
me when I first started (since Bikram is my yoga of choice my list will focus on this type of yoga)
1.It is HOT
2. It smells BAD
3. There are 26 poses - you will know you are almost done when you get to rabbit pose - so keep
breathing and try not to die
4. It is addicting
5. The people are fabulous
6. Your 3rd or your 20th class may be harder then your first
7. Freeze your water before class - this way it can be used to drink and also as a cold compress during
corpse pose
8. Bring the cheapest towel you own to put over your mat - you want it to suck up sweat but you do not
want it to be plush as plush just gets wet and makes your HOTTER
9. Bring a towel to wipe your sweat
10. Bring tissues
11. Wear as few clothes as possible - do NOT worry about your fat - it is too hot for vanity - make sure the
private places are covered and say the hell with the rest - you are going to be too hot to care - also not a
single person passed out or threw up after looking at my big white belly (including myself and it has been
fun to watch it shrink)
12. Looking at yourself in the full length mirrors can be hard - for many reasons - do it anyway - this is you
- where you are - love and accept yourself - deal with reality - move forward - also you will be able to see
your progress from the beginning - I know this is hard just do the best that you can
13. Make a commitment to come back - put your money up front (this worked for me as I tend to be a little
cheap especially when it comes to myself)
14. It WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE - I do not fully understand the process - I cannot yet put it in words but I
am not the same person that I was when I walked into that studio nine weeks ago
Peace and Blessings
Another Overnight ( and some abundance)
Once again I realized just how blessed my life is - I went to a conference - I stayed in a beautiful
hotel - I enjoyed the people at the conference and had a great dinner with friends. I ALSO
EXERCISED BOTH DAYS and for me that is a miracle. The conference center had a very nice
fitness center and an outdoor pool that was surrounding by tree's, blue sky, and pot flowers all
in bloom. It was gorgeous. I swam and did my "yoga moves" in the water (where I am MUCH
more flexible!) and it felt good. Swimming I remembered being a child on the swim team - to
think that when I was eleven I swam two miles a day without thought was a little weird as today I
am nowhere close to being able to swim two miles. Doing the yoga in the pool felt good. I was
able to stretch deeper and the sensation of the water (perfect temp) coupled with the sun on
my face made me really count my blessings and think a little about retirement. I want to retire
someplace where I can be in a pool almost everyday. Where the sky is blue and the air is clear
and clean. It is time to start Looking and to start dreaming. As a young woman I never thought I
would live past the age of thirty and for the past fourteen years I have been living and really in
survival mode. I want MORE. I want to live some place where I can at least have the illusion of
safety. I want to live some place where I can feel secure walking in my neighborhood. I want to
live some place where my bedroom ceiling is more the six feet high. I AM GOING TO LIVE IN
ABUNDANCE- ABUNDANCE _ABUNDANCE - everyday.
CHALLENGE UPDATE
I made it to day 67 and then I was done. My body is exhausted, my mind is exhausted I traveled a number
of times within these 67 days - I worked many of these 67 days and I did yoga 55 of these 67 days - I lost
11 pounds and my blood pressure dropped. I also shifted my challenge from 90 days to life.
I have two choices to be as healthy as possible for as long as possible or to give up and I am not giving
up. I am 44 I do NOT want to be any older then I must
BEING FAT
(I cannot believe I am posting this but figure I have sworn to be honest and this is honest - God help me!)
I am not going to tell you how much I weigh but I have struggled with my weight since I
was a teenager. As a child I was very very skinny so skinny that my doctor told my
parents to basically let me eat whatever I wanted and to say my choices were not
fabulous is an understatement. I chose oreo's and milk, lots of candy and soda. My diet
was a disaster. But after about three years I was no longer skinny enough to be below
the charts for my age and height.
Then something shocking happened. I hit puberty and I continued to eat cookies and
ice cream and cake. I continued to drink soda and other high calorie beverages and as
shocking as it seems I got FAT. By this time my parents were in the middle of a divorce
so the reality is they were both too busy trying to deal with their lives to really give my
life any real thought. In order to avoid the pain of the divorce and the demise of my
family I ate more. Food was tasty. It did not judge me and the reality is I ate so much so
often that I was physically uncomfortable and when I was physically uncomfortable I did
not have to deal with my emotions. When my stomach was killing me I did not have the
mental energy to feel the heartbreak. I learned this lesson well and for seven years used
food as a drug a way to distance myself from my emotions.
When I was around twenty-two I found different ways to distance myself from my
emotions. Not a single alternative was healthy or life affirming however there was one
side effect that was fantastic and this was I lost weight and I lost a large amount quickly.
This got my parents attention and god bless them instead of asking themselves how I
could be losing so much weight so quickly my father offered to pay me five-hundred
dollars if I got down to one-hundred and twenty-five pounds. I am 5'8. I took him up on
his offer and in know time I had gotten my five hundred dollars and surprisingly this
money was gone in about forty-eight hours and I had nothing to show for my windfall.
No one asked me where the money went.
Fast forward nine months. It was late at night and I was contemplating my life and
realized I had two choices to continue down the path I was currently walking or I could
move in a different direction that was much more likely to allow me to live. I chose life.
With life came food and I went right back into my destructive patterns. I had not
addressed the issues that led me to eat as a teenager and I had not addressed the
issues that led me to chose destructive patterns as a young adult so in a matter of
months my weight skyrocketed. Once again bless my parents for while they did not ask
how I had lost weight so quickly or where five hundred dollars had gone in forty-eight
hours they wanted to know (especially my dad) how I had gotten so fat so quickly. I was
not going to tell them that I had given up one bad habit for another so I told them that I
did not know. My mother stopped asking me about my weight after about a year
however it was an on-going conversation with my father until my late thirties and the
only reason the conversation halted was because one day I screamed at him to never
ever ask me about my weight again. By this time even though I was fat I had graduated
from law school, gotten married, was a step-mother to a beautiful child, had a good job
and was respected in my field and yet I still struggled with my weight.
The difference was I knew why I ate and the reasons where many. I ate as a reward, I ate
for comfort, I ate out of anger, I ate because of anxiety, I ate because I was tired, I ate
because I could not sleep. The reality is that I ate and I ate and I ate for any and all
reasons. I knew why I ate and yet I continued to eat. The only saving grace was that I
also did some exercise. I believe the exercise was the only thing that saved me from
weighing over three hundred pounds because the reality is I ate enough to weigh three
hundred pounds.
When I hit forty things began to change. The change was slow but there was a definite
shift in my world view. All of a sudden I really did not care how I looked. From fifteen
until forty I did a very good job convincing people that I did not care how I look and the
reality is that no one has ever loved me because of my looks or wanted to be my friend
because of the way I looked so early on I did have to develop a personality which I did
and which I would not trade for the world but when I am completely honest with myself
the reality is that I did care how I looked but because I was fat and found myself so
unattractive I did not bother with make-up or having my hair done or worrying about my
clothes. I also had no mirrors in my house and I would avoid them at all costs including
not going to restaurants that had mirrors but like I said at forty there was a shift.
I wanted to be free in my body. I wanted to walk around in a bathing suit and really not
care what people thought instead of just pretending I did not care. I also wanted to be
healthy and be at peace with my body. So with a change in my attitude came a change
in my behavior. The first thing I did was switch to an all organic diet and there was a
very large part of me that wanted to believe that if I stopped eating pesticides and other
toxins the weight would just drop off and would no longer be an issue. This did not
happen. But I felt better. The next step was to start taking probiotics. Once again I
thought if I just clean out my system I will be in great shape and the weight will
disappear. It did not but all of my stomach problems did and this was life changing. My
next step was to join a gym and get a personal trainer. This helped a little I lost a few
pounds but I hated it. The gym was noisy and lifting weights was boring and the reality
is that I thought since I was burning so many calories I could eat whatever I wanted.
Guess what this is not true. So after losing about four pounds my weight stayed
stagnant and I quit.
Then I found yoga specifically bikram yoga and everything changed. If you have not
Bikram before let me tell you a little something about it. You do it in a room that is
surrounded by mirrors. The room is heated to 105 degrees. The only person who
speaks is the instructor and you sweat. I loved it. With that said I still avoided mirrors a
real talent when you are surrounded but I looked at the ceiling and at other people and at
the floor really anywhere but at myself. Then I had a private lesson. The first thing my
instructor told me was that I needed to look in the mirror. I pretended to be confused of
course I was looking in the mirror. My instructor was very patient and very firm and told
me that I was not looking in the mirror and that until I looked in the mirror I would never
really be able to see myself and that until I really saw myself I would not move forward. I
looked in the mirror. It was not easy and I did not like what I saw but I realized this was it
- it was me in the mirror. My bad hair, my stomach that was quite large and very white
(as if had never seen the light of day and yes I was able to see it because I only wore
shorts and a sports bra remember the room was 105 degrees way to hot to wear a t-
shirt) my skinny legs and my flat butt. It was all there on display and then there was a
miracle. It was all OK. I also saw my eyes which were full of humor and intelligence. I
saw my hands that held and loved babies. I saw my arms that carried groceries it was
me in the mirror and while the picture may not have been perfect the life was pretty damn
nice.
Since I saw myself for probably the first time in my life I have lost fifteen pounds. I stand
up straighter. I am learning to love my body. I can see changes and most importantly I
no longer have to hide and since I do not have to hide I know longer need to eat. For the
first time in my life I have a healthy relationship with food. I eat what I want when I am
hungry. I know longer have to eat as if there is no tomorrow. As if I will not have another
opportunity to have creme brulee or an ice cream sundae. For me for the first time there
is a tomorrow and it is a tomorrow where I still hope to weigh less then today but also
one where I see myself.
Back on the Horse
I hit day 67 and hit a WALL - mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically. Yoga had
become one more thing I needed to do - one more commitment in a life that is full of
commitments. I also had a fantastic instructor who was doing all that she could to keep
me motivated and involved. All this did was make me insane. I am a type A personality -
I also realized that I am much happier when I am the one giving the instructions instead
of taking them - this will surprise no one who knows me. I had an insight that this is a
character flaw - I should be open to feedback and encouragement from others. With that
said after 20 years of therapy I am not dealing with it - I am going to just live with this
character flaw and let others deal with it. So I told my lovely instructor to please stop
giving me encouragement. I am just going to go to yoga and do my best and if and
when I am ready for feedback I will treat myself to a private instruction. Until then -
NAMASTE - NAMASTE - NAMASTE
LOOKING BACK
Garurasana
I remember the first time I heard that word, it was close to 90 days ago and I do not believe I have ever
willingly been that hot before and though I did not know it at the time I was not even a third of the way done
with my first Byram Yoga class. Additionally, there was a very real possibility that I might pass out (which I
did not out of sheer mortification of waking up with a large number of skinny, beautiful women standing
over me while I looked a little too much like a beached whale for my comfort)
I had been listening to a friend of mine talk about Bikram Yoga for the past six months. Along with talking
about the benefits of her yoga practice I saw a number of outward changes. The one that was most
apparent was that she was glowing and I mean glowing, life an elf in a Peter Jackson film. I thought that I
wanted to glow - glowing and kissing Viggo Mortenson might be worth 90 minutes of my time a day.
The next change was her mood. My dear friend does the same "work" that I do, she is a lawyer with a
focus on issues that revolve around child welfare. It is a job that tends to make anyone who chooses to
practice this type of law very grumpy very quickly. But not my friend, she was prancing around, glowing
and joyful. It was annoying. I also was intrigued.
The third change was her body. Not only was she losing weight but her body shape was changing. Things
that should stick out were not only sticking out but they were higher. Places where one is supposed to
curve were curving. Her body was becoming a piece of art.
At this point I figured I had a few options.
I could stop looking and listening to her and seeing as how I love her and think she is one of the kindest
people on the planet this was not realistic. Additionally I work with her so I had to talk to her.
I could just say screw it and as I moved into the second half (that is a scary phrase) of my forties I could
just let my body slump into the sofa never to work again and accept the fate of achy shoulders and backs
and feet and blah blah blah
I could go with her to Yoga and that is what I did
As of today day 71 I have lost 12 pounds and have lowered by blood pressure. While my skin may not be
glowing at a Peter Jackson rate my complexion is clearer then it has ever been. I am sleeping better and
while I am nowhere near prancing I do appear to be a little less cranky as my desire to kill people has gone
down from 10 plus times a day to maybe only four or five. I may have even had one or two days when I felt
at one with the world.
So back to Garurasana/Eagle Pose my favorite. It is my favorite for two reasons the first is that it is the
first pose where I am seeing a real improvement. When I first started I could not wrap my arms or legs
around themselves. Today I can stand for the full minute with my hands clasped before my face balancing
on one leg with my foot behind my calf. For me this is a minor miracle. The second reason is Eagle Pose
is right before PARTY TIME and anyone who knows anything about sweating in a Bikram Yoga studio for
90 minutes while the temperature rises to 105 degrees knows how important party time is!!
Namaste
• 90 classes - 90 days
8/16/2009
Today is day 37 of my yoga challenge. Thirty seven days ago I entered a hot yoga studio for the first time
in my life at the end of class I signed up and decided I would do 90 classes in 90 days - it was my hope
and desire that I would take a class everyday and I did this for the first 34 days. On day 35 a muscle I
pulled was so uncomfortable that I was incapable of walking - so I rested.
It was very hard for me as I had set a goal and I do not like to lose or fail. The pulled muscle is a part of
my lesson that I need to let go and be in the moment. That I need to listen to my body. That my body is a
gift that I have been ignoring for decades. I am breathing through my disappointment and it is hard.
I rested on day 35 - on day 36 I did 3/4 of the class in our local pool - for the first time in a week my leg felt
better and I could stand straight when I got out of the water.
Today is day 37 - my leg is healing - I will go back to the pool today and do my yoga poses there. I will be
grateful that I have a place to swim. I will be grateful that my body works. I will not beat myself up because
I am not in "class" that is one of the things I am learning as I do yoga - to live in the moment - to be kind to
myself and what I am seeing is that the kinder I am to me - the kinder I am to others
• INJURY
I really hurt my leg four weeks ago and since then it has been a struggle to continue with my challenge,
however I have.
Today is day 59 and I have done yoga almost everyday. My goal was to do it everyday but my life has
gotten in the way and while there is a large part of me that wants to concede defeat and therefore no
longer have to hold myself accountable this is not an option.
I am continuing. I am moving forward and what yoga is teaching me is that the moving forward is the real
success the refusal to sit down and out for the count is the real success.
After hurting my leg my brother and I traveled to see our father. He is in declining health I do not know if I
will see him again. The trip was full of heartache and yet had moments of laughter. I did my yoga. It was
in my room, it was at night and it was done with some tears but I did it and I will continue to do it - what I am
finding out is that yoga is more then just poses. Yoga is a life style. Yoga helps you to be kind to yourself
and others. Yoga reminds you that we really are all connected in ways that at least I cannot even begin to
understand. Yoga is moving me forward
I was home for ten days and then my husband and I traveled to the beach with friends. I did a few yoga
poses (not many - we did take one class - it was not Bikram but Hatha - I like Bikram better but after taking
this class I am going to read about other types of yoga and that is a good thing) I still practiced my yoga - I
tried to be kind and practice patience. I lived in the moment - which is very easy to do when you are sitting
on the beach watching the waves roll in as the breeze caresses your skin at the perfect temperature. I will
take these moments with me as I go back to work and go back to the beach and remember the feeling and
breath when people drive me crazy (which will happen)
Tomorrow I go back to class. A class a day, some days two until the next time my life interrupts my class
schedule. What I know is that the commitment I made 59 days ago is still going strong and while it does
not look exactly like I thought it would the real reality is that I have practiced yoga everyday for the past 59
days and I am committed to practicing yoga for the next however many days that my life continues
• Weight
As of six days ago I have lost 13 pounds and dropped my blood pressure by 15 points. I just spent five
days at the beach and according to my scale I have regained 4.5 pounds. The big question is how do I
react to this. In the past I would have used this as an excuse to say screw it and once again start eating
what I wanted, when I wanted without taking responsibility for the outcome and the eventual gain of all I
had lost
TODAY THIS IS NOT AN OPTION
Today I am on a liquid fast - this may not be for everyone and I will only do this for 24 hours but I need to
take an action that says to my mind and my body I MATTER. I am not going to let all that I have worked for
be thrown out of the window because of four days where I did not pay attention. NO THANK YOU
I also have realized that in the future I am going to need to plan better for time away from my normal
routine. From this day forward I will travel with a scale or ensure that where I am going has a scale. I do
not believe in living always by the numbers but it appears that when I am away I need a little reminder. So
from this day forth instead of me and my shadow it will be me and my scale.
I am also going to do a better job of paying attention to food. Why is it that I think that food eaten on
vacation is free food. It is not. Whether I am at my kitchen table or at the beach a candy bar is always
loaded with fat and potato chips are always loaded with sodium. While an apple is something that will help
to keep my teeth clean and give me the fiber I need - so yes on this journey I am beginning to realize that
EVERYDAY matters - every choice matters and while there is no way I am giving up bread or cheese or
chocolate or ice cream or any of my other favorites I am DECIDING that I will not eat them all at the SAME
MEAL and maybe not even all in the same day and that is OK - I do not need food to make me feel good. I
need to sweat, I need to read, I need to move I need to laugh at times I need to cry and it is all OK
• 9/11/2001
The day cannot pass with out a thought to all that happened on 9/11/2001. Peace for all involved in every
way
• Everyday
Everyday - I knew this day was coming but I am not sure that I am ready to accept this - and you ask what
is it? It is the reality that I am going to have to exercise everyday I do not think I want to exercise
everyday. I do not want to eat right everyday. I do not want to be responsible for my actions everyday but
the reality is I am out of luck. If I want to be healthy and I do and if I want to be balanced and I do and if I
do not want to end up slumpy and old before my time and I do not I need to do this everyday. God Help Me
• What I wish someone had told me!
I have a lot of things that I wish someone had told me i.e. before you buy a house check to make sure that
the windows do not have things growing in them (true story) that at twenty when you think you are fat you
are really really sexy but since this is about yoga I am going to focus on the things I wish people had told
me when I first started (since Bikram is my yoga of choice my list will focus on this type of yoga)
1.It is HOT
2. It smells BAD
3. There are 26 poses - you will know you are almost done when you get to rabbit pose - so keep
breathing and try not to die
4. It is addicting
5. The people are fabulous
6. Your 3rd or your 20th class may be harder then your first
7. Freeze your water before class - this way it can be used to drink and also as a cold compress during
corpse pose
8. Bring the cheapest towel you own to put over your mat - you want it to suck up sweat but you do not
want it to be plush as plush just gets wet and makes your HOTTER
9. Bring a towel to wipe your sweat
10. Bring tissues
11. Wear as few clothes as possible - do NOT worry about your fat - it is too hot for vanity - make sure the
private places are covered and say the hell with the rest - you are going to be too hot to care - also not a
single person passed out or threw up after looking at my big white belly (including myself and it has been
fun to watch it shrink)
12. Looking at yourself in the full length mirrors can be hard - for many reasons - do it anyway - this is you
- where you are - love and accept yourself - deal with reality - move forward - also you will be able to see
your progress from the beginning - I know this is hard just do the best that you can
13. Make a commitment to come back - put your money up front (this worked for me as I tend to be a little
cheap especially when it comes to myself)
14. It WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE - I do not fully understand the process - I cannot yet put it in words but I
am not the same person that I was when I walked into that studio nine weeks ago
Peace and Blessings
Another Overnight ( and some abundance)
Once again I realized just how blessed my life is - I went to a conference - I stayed in a beautiful
hotel - I enjoyed the people at the conference and had a great dinner with friends. I ALSO
EXERCISED BOTH DAYS and for me that is a miracle. The conference center had a very nice
fitness center and an outdoor pool that was surrounding by tree's, blue sky, and pot flowers all
in bloom. It was gorgeous. I swam and did my "yoga moves" in the water (where I am MUCH
more flexible!) and it felt good. Swimming I remembered being a child on the swim team - to
think that when I was eleven I swam two miles a day without thought was a little weird as today I
am nowhere close to being able to swim two miles. Doing the yoga in the pool felt good. I was
able to stretch deeper and the sensation of the water (perfect temp) coupled with the sun on
my face made me really count my blessings and think a little about retirement. I want to retire
someplace where I can be in a pool almost everyday. Where the sky is blue and the air is clear
and clean. It is time to start Looking and to start dreaming. As a young woman I never thought I
would live past the age of thirty and for the past fourteen years I have been living and really in
survival mode. I want MORE. I want to live some place where I can at least have the illusion of
safety. I want to live some place where I can feel secure walking in my neighborhood. I want to
live some place where my bedroom ceiling is more the six feet high. I AM GOING TO LIVE IN
ABUNDANCE- ABUNDANCE _ABUNDANCE - everyday.
CHALLENGE UPDATE
I made it to day 67 and then I was done. My body is exhausted, my mind is exhausted I traveled a number
of times within these 67 days - I worked many of these 67 days and I did yoga 55 of these 67 days - I lost
11 pounds and my blood pressure dropped. I also shifted my challenge from 90 days to life.
I have two choices to be as healthy as possible for as long as possible or to give up and I am not giving
up. I am 44 I do NOT want to be any older then I must
- I want to age gracefully
- I want to continue to be able to swim and stand in the ocean
- I want to dance with my husband
- I want to continue to have sex that makes my husband speechless
- I want to climb in and out of my car without existence.
- I want to do all I can to protect myself from chronic illness.
- I want to be alive and HEALTHY so that I can travel to my nephews wedding and hold his first baby.
- I want to be able to appreciate and celebrate the beauty of young women and men:)
- I want to CLIMB steps and never HAVE to take an elevator because I cannot climb stairs
- And my list goes on and on and the only way to have this list is to EVERYDAY take a life affirming
step - to make decisions that protect my body and my mind and this is what I will do - am doing.
Amazing Site for Traditional Indian
Healing - in my opinion best resource
for alternative healing I have seen. This
is one EVERYONE must check out - Peace
Healing - in my opinion best resource
for alternative healing I have seen. This
is one EVERYONE must check out - Peace
PRODUCT YOU NEED
FOR YOUR YOGA
PRACTICE AND YOUR
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FOR YOUR YOGA
PRACTICE AND YOUR
HEALTH - MATS, BAGS,
NETI POTS - GOOD
PRICES
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