21 JanPeaceful Divorce is Possible

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Finding peace after a divorce can be almost if not more difficult that actually living with divorce and finding peace after divorce is not just for the two individuals who have gotten divorce but it is something necessary for the entire family.  Children, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins.

Divorce tends to bring out the worst in people.  As one walks through a divorce all of the bad memories of the marriage and the relationships tends to take center stage.  It is very easy to forget the reasons why you got married and quite possibly have kids in the first place. With all of this said one of the greatest gifts that you can give to yourself and in some ways more importantly to your children is to find peace for yourself and your family.  Without finding peace the anger and the resentment has the potential to build up and infect not only your relationship with your previous spouse and your children but all future relationships.  After a divorce it can be very difficult to trust another human being.  Often you feel betrayed and and afraid and angry and sad and frustrated and what you need to know is that all of these feelings are legitimate and reasonable.  The goal and objective is to move forward so that you and your spouse and your children and extended family can move forward.

There are some steps that you can take.  It is easy to write right the steps are and it is easy to encourage individuals to take these steps but the reality is that it can be very difficult to actually take these steps and move forward but if you do you will release yourself and your partner and your kids and allow positive relationships to enter your life and once again have that sense of security and hope.

The first thing you have to do is to accept the fact that you are getting divorced.  It may be your fault. It may be your spouses fault or it may not be anyones fault.  Sometimes divorce just happens.  So accept the fact that you are divorced and try and move on.  To do not spend hours and days and weeks going over all of the things that have gone wrong.  Choose to look forward.  What is it that you want in a mate.  What is is that you really value in your life.  Do not limit yourself or your answers.  For some it may be to give up a life that focuses on money and go back to living in simplicity with someone who shares your values about recycling and living close to the earth.  You may desire to be involved with someone who is interested in acquiring beautiful art and other possessions.  Either one is OK.  Use your divorce to figure out what it is you want.  So long as your desires are not self-destructive or destructive to your children or the community all of your desires are acceptable.  By finding out what you really want you can get involved with an individual who shares your hopes and dreams.

The next thing you have to do if you want to find true peace and you have children you MUST accept the fact that your former spouse is NOT going to share all of your parenting beliefs and disciplinary actions.  Accept this and do the best that you can.  If you can go to counseling with your ex-spouse and your kids.  You must put your children first.  Divorce for kids is the gift that keeps on giving.  Children will feel guilty if they are with their mother for Christmas and their father is left alone.  You have to work with your ex-spouse to come up with a schedule that meets your children’s needs and part of this may be that you and your ex-spouse put your differences aside and you spend time together with your kids.  Your children must know that even though you and your ex-spouse are no longer married that when it comes to the kids that you remain a unit.  This will give your children a sense of security and will help to ensure that they feel safe and can be as successful as possible.

At some point you and/or your ex-spouse will get involved with someone else.  This is good but it also has to be suspected.  Before you have the new person in your life meet your kids set up a meeting with your new partner and your ex-spouse. Will this be the most comfortable experience you ever have, no.  Is it necessary, yes.  It shows that you respect your child’s other parents and it will also send a message to your kids that you are not trying to lie to your ex-spouse and it will let you kids know that while the family has changed you are all still a family.

Additional steps you can take include getting into a support group, going to individual or group counseling, finding a prayer group or a group that shares your spiritual values and share your pain.  Give yourself time to move on.  Often it takes many years to get to the point where you actually ask for a divorce and then it may take up to a year to get a divorce so know that it may take years to be completely comfortable and all of this is OK.  The goal is to do the best that you can.  To know that some days will be easier then others.  That there will be days when you wish you had never gotten divorced and others when you feel that you are finally free.  It is all OK.  Move forward, say your prayer and ask for peace and it will be given.

Peace

Category(s): Spirit

05 JanFish Tacos

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Fish Tacos when I first heard of fish tacos I thought my friend was crazy.  Fish with salsa and sour cream sounded absolutely disgusting and I had no desire to even walk into a restaurant that had fish tacos on the menu thank god my friend was bossy and made me go, fish taco’s have become one of my favorite meals they are delicious, good for you and so very very easy to make.  I am going to give you two basic recipes but feel free to change the fish or the toppings or the cooking method.  Once you get familiar with the dish their are endless combinations and the only thing stopping you will be your imagination.

1. The “classic” fish taco

Ingredients

You want a firm hardy fish, about six ounces a person.  Try halibut or talipia.

Season the fish – use a blend of Mexican spices, Cinnamon, cumin, hot pepper, paprika anything that sounds good.  Season the fish on both sides

Grill the fish – you can do this on an outdoor grill or in a cast iron pan.  If using a grill make sure you wipe it down with a little oil before you start so the fish does not stick.  If you are using a case iron pan make sure that it is nice and hot.  Either cooking method means you have to place the fish over the heat and leave it there for about three minutes and then turn.  The fish should feel firm to the touch when it is down and be white.

Avocado – the fresher the better – mash it up into a paste or cut it into chunks whatever you prefer.  Squeeze a little lime juice over the avocado.

Fresh salsa or pico de gallo. 

FRESH cilantro

Flour tortillas.  You can use corn tortillas but it is my opinion that the flour tortillas are better.  They have a mellower taste so the freshness of the fish and other ingredients can shine.

All that is left is to put it all together.  A couple ounces of fish, a few tablespoons of the fresh avocado with lime juice, the fresh salsa and cilantro. Roll it up and enjoy.  Serve it with beer or a margarita or fresh brewed ice tea.   Say a prayer of thanks and take a big bite. YUMMY

2. Blackened Fish Tortilla – these are so good you may not be able to talk while you are eating

Once again you need a nice sturdy and hardy fish.  Halibut or tilapia works well.  You want a fish that can stand up to being cooked and not flake but also one that does not have a strong taste

Season the fish with blackening spice.  I like Paul Proudhon’s.  It can be found in any decent grocery store in the spice isle and he has one especially for fish.  You can also make your own.  Basic ingredients are Cayenne pepper, granulated garlic, granulated onion, paprika, white pepper and some star anise.  Feel free to add or delete anything.  Always remember that recipes are suggestions and you are the cook.

Season the fish on both sides and cook it in a case iron pan.  Make sure the pan is hot hot hot.  It should be smoking when you put the fish in so make sure the fan is on as you do not want to set off your fire alarm.  Once again your fish should be cooked in 7-12 minutes depending on the size of the fish and the temperature of the pan.

The topping for this is an apple, pear and chipolte honey sauce.  Very easy to make and so good you may want to make a lot because it is possible that you might just consume the whole thing standing at the stove “testing it”.  For a basic batch peel chop and core two apples and two pears.  It is important to peel the fruit otherwise the skin may be really chewy and hard to eat.  Put the apples and the pears in a pot with a few tablespoons of water and a few tablespoons of honey.  Just enough to make sure all the fruit is covered.  You can always add more if needed.  Next add a jar of chipolte peppers.  Before you add the peppers drain the jar and chop up the peppers into small pieces.  Chipolte peppers are jalapeno peppers that have been smoked.  The smaller the pieces the better.  Also buy the small jar.  You want about a 1/3 of peppers to the apple/pear ratio.  Let it all cook and simmer together for about 10-15 minutes and remove from the stove.  Test it – depending on the time of year you may need to add a few teaspoons of sugar.  If you do put the sugar in put it in slowly and make sure it dissolves.

In this recipe you really want to use the flour tortillas.  They mellow everything else out a little.  If you are trying to up the vitamins and nutrients you can garnish with some FINELY chopped cabbage – make sure it is FINELY chopped.  It will give you taco a little more texture and is also very good for you.

Once again you are ready to assemble.

Tortilla – fish – chutney – cabbage if desired and then a prayer of thanks a big bite and a bigger sip of beer.

 

Enjoy!!

Category(s): Recipes

03 JanThis is Where I Leave You by Jonathan Tropper

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This is Where I Leave You by Jonathan Tropper is Tropper’s fifth book and it is one of the best books I read in 2009.  The book is narrative in nature and your narrator is Judd Foxman.  Foxman is a man on the brink.  His marriage is ending he just quit his job and now he has to sit Shiva for seven days with the rest of his family to fulfill his dead father’s final wish.  Foxman also finds out that his wife is pregnant.  Since she has been having an affair with Foxman’s boss for the past year Foxman does not know if he or the man who has been “banging his wife” is the father.

Tropper does a fantastic job setting everything up for what many may consider the most depressing book of the decade.  Wrong, wrong, wrong.  This book is laugh out loud funny.  There were parts were I actually snorted out loud recognizing myself and my family in Troppers characters even though we are all Irish and the Foxmans are non-practicing Jews.

Along with Judd the others who inhabit the book are his mother a world famous shrink who wrote the premier book on child rearing.  To say her advice works better in theory then practice is an understatement.  You also have both of Foxman’s brothers.  One older and one younger.  They are both a mess in their own way and both as lost as Judd.  Throw in Wendy the oldest and only girl along with her workaholic husband and her three children and pandemonium ensures.

Along the way you will meet the neighbor Linda and her son Horrry who sustained a brain injury that leaves him just retarded enough to not be able to live by himself but with enough knowledge to know what he is missing, including Wendy the love of his life.  A few old girlfriends make a brief appearance along with an older woman involved with Foxman’s youngest brother Philip.  Judd’s wife Jen is not the only one who is dealing with pregnancy related issues and Judd’s boss Wade brings a hatred for a boss to a whole new level.

Sitting Shiva with his mother and three siblings forces Foxman to confront the current and past demons of his life along with at least attempting to try and figure out where he is going.  The Rabbi, Paul’s best friend who used to look at porn and smoke weed at the Foxman’s home as a teen is delightful as a man who is trying to distance himself from his past with people who held his head while he puked basically an impossible task.

This book is highly recommended to anyone who has a family and can embrace the dysfunction and love that goes along with sharing your life with even a single person.

Tropper is currently working on adapting this novel into a screenplay.  If he is able to bring the characters to life on film as he has done in this book I will be first in line on opening night.

Category(s): Book Reviews

03 JanTips to Help Lose Weight – Easy Switches

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So many people believe that to begin a diet they need to get rid of all of the bad foods that have made them fat or contribute to their weight issues.  It totally goes against most peoples “belief” that a diet that allows you to lose weight is a diet that limits your food choices and is something that is difficult and trying and a burden.  The reality is this is so not true.  A change in diet can mean a change in life that can be wonderful that will help you lose weight, feel good, increase your energy and helps you to look forward to the future.

Our western diet is full of junk.  Toxins, pesticides, hormones, antibiotics, sugar, corny syrup and chemical additives.  These ingredients cause our bodies to want to eat more because we are not getting the nutrients we need in order to stay alive and healthy.  So what you want to do is to reform your diet.  Think about the things you really like and then work them into your diet in a way that allows food to become pleasurable and wonderful.  With all of that said learning to eat well can be a challenge.   It may mean having to change the way that you eat and how you shop but if you make a small commitment, three months you can change all of it and get to a place you where you will never want to go back to your old eating habits.

Here are some very easy simple changes you can make.  I am going to give you a number of suggestions do not become overwhelmed.  Take them one at a time.  Try and incorporate one into your life at a time.  It may take a week or two or three it does not matter.  Take as long as you need to ensure your new habit is incorporated into your life.  Some of these suggestions are easy and can be combined.  Some make take a little more time that is OK.  It has taken you years to learn bad habits give yourself a break and give yourself time to learn the new habits and when you fall off the horse and you will forgive yourself, get back on and move forward.  This is life it and you will never be perfect all you can do is your best and some days will be wonderful and others not so great.  The goal is to have more good days then bad

What to add

1. WATER – you really cannot drink too much water so drink, drink, drink.  Maybe have it delivered or find one you really like and then make it your goal to drink 100 ounces a week.   If you want to do something even better substitute the water for something else you have been drinking – SODA – soda should not be your go to drink it is not good for you whether it is regular or diet it is bad for you so say goodbye.  If you can switch from soda to water you will never go back.  It may take a while and this is OK.  If you need to have one glass of water for every two soda’s and then one for one and then only water.  I promise you if you do this and you stick with it you will feel better and your body will thank you.

2. Add Fruit – I love sweet treats especially chocolate.  I could eat it all day everyday and it does not have to be eliminated from your diet.  What you want to do is incorporate the chocolate in a way that it lasts longer and you add some fiber and extra antioxidants. So no more opening a bar of chocolate and eating it without thought.  You need to go out and buy some fabulous chocolate and some heavy cream and some very good fruit, some good ones are strawberries, blueberries, raspberries, apricots, blackberries any fruit that sounds good and is in season.  Melt six ounces of good chocolate and six ounces of half and half.  Dip the fruit into the chocolate and enjoy.  You can also make a sundae, add the fruit to the ice cream and chocolate sauce.

3. Portions – I eat what is on my plate.  Goes back to children in China never having enough to eat and a few other childhood issues so look at your portions.  You do NOT have to eat everything on your place and you do not have to eat all of the donuts at the same time.  You can save some for later.  If you are afraid someone will eat your stuff put your name on it and tell the people you live with that you have a few little insanities and that they need to deal with them.  Also remember if someone eats your last donut you can always go out and buy another one.  One of the great things about living in the United States if we run out of something we can get more.  So remember no matter how could something tastes it is not a one time deal you can get it again.

4. Start each meal with a salad or a clear broth soup.  The salad can be very easy.  Fresh greens and some dressing and the soup can be just a straight chicken broth with a few vegetables thrown in for some extra value.  This is one of the easiest things you can do.  Buy the greens pre-washed and get dressing that you like or make your own.  A great recipe is a little vinegar, a little olive oil, some mustard and orange juice.  Low fat and tasty.  The dressing can be made in advance and will last for about a week.  You can also find a bottled one that you like.  Look at the calories it does not have to be fat free or taste free but it is worth it to pay a little attention

5.FRESH FRUIT – fruit can be even better then dessert.  You do not have the sugar high and then dump, you get fiber and lots of antioxidants.  Find beautiful fruit.  Pieces that look as beautiful as they taste.  Treat yourself to a beautiful bowl to hold the fruit and put it in a location where you can see it.  Take the time to cut the fruit and put it on a beautiful plate.  Sit down with a nice napkin and take bites and chew.  Pay attention to your food.  Bless your food.  Enjoy your food.

6. Do not get rid of protein.  Just eat it in reasonable portions.  If you want a steak have a steak.  The best steak you can buy.  Flavor it and then cook it to the temp you like and eat every single piece and enjoy every piece.  If you are eating steak eat it with a fairly healthy side.  Steamed spinach topped with a balsamic reduction and some shaved parmigiana cheese or a baked potato.

 

What the goal is to eat what you want when you want in moderation.  You do not have to give up anything.  Food is not good or bad food is fuel and food is a pleasure.  Food can sustain you through the worst of time and elevate the best of times to memories that will last a laugh time.  The best thing you can do for your diet is to really pay attention to what you eat.  Eat what you want. Eat in moderation and eat with the understanding that the way food tastes is just piece of the pie.  Pay attention to the way food looks and the way it smells and the way it makes it feel.

 

If you make peace with food your body with make peace with your weight.

Category(s): Recipes, Spirit

02 JanDementia SUCKS

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I hate Dementia.  I hate what it has done to one of the people I love most in the world.  I hate what it has done to my family and I hate what it has done to the way I view the world and God.  I have led a fairly blessed life.  No one beat or rape me when I was a child.  I always had a roof over my head and food on the table.  I was loved and had enough innate talent that I was able to get an education and make a living.  While I knew the world was not really fair I thought if I followed most of the rules I along with the ones I loved would be protected.  I was wrong.

Dementia creeped into my life.  When it first appeared I thought it might be depression or maybe a little too many prescription pills or a few extra drinks on a Friday night but unfortunately for me and all others in my family I was wrong.  What we were dealing with was full blown Dementia and the downward spiral began and has continued and continued and continued.  People can live for decades with dementia in fact caregivers might die before the patient due to the stress and the heartbreak and the exhaustion of caring for a loved one with Dementia.

Before dementia entered my life I always thought that hope was a gift.  Something that could be held onto in times of darkness and despair but hope and dementia do not go together.  Dementia may progress slowly or come on all at once either way it is a nightmare.  When it comes on slowly you can have hours or days with a person where they are “their old selves”  you begin to think that maybe the rages and the incontinence and the confusion were all a mistake.  That the doctors were wrong and that your loved one is going to be OK and then BAM the confusion the rage and all the other symptoms come back and you start the grieving process all over again.  Even when the dementia comes on suddenly for most sufferers there are moments of lucidity moments that give you hope.  Doctors and nurses and other caregivers tell you to grab onto and hold these moments close, cherish these moments.  This is much easier said then done as because as soon as you hold onto them they are taken away and you have to bury the person again.  In fact with dementia you bury the patient over and over and over again and yet you never get closure because the person is still here the body and the voice and the energy is still here but the spirit is gone the soul is stuck between here and there and it is awful.

The toll it takes on a family is one that if people are not careful may never be healed.  There is the financial cost of caring for your loved one which in all honesty is nothing compared to the emotional toll.   Siblings can become resentful each one believing that they are the only one carrying the burden.  Spouses can become exhausted.  Throw in divorce with second and third spouses, step children, half siblings, old hurts and it is a recipe for disaster.

Maybe when it is all over these hurts can be forgotten and forgiven.  Maybe old memories can come back to replace the years that are stolen I do not know.  My experience with dementia is on-going it has not ended I am ready for it to end even though I know that the end will mean death.  Dementia is a living death and at this point in time I would rather have a real death then what feels like a never ending living death.

Category(s): Spirit

20 DecYes – I am once again asking Sarah Palin to GO AWAY

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Is Sarah Palin a quitter?  YES YES YES.  Please allow me to state up front that I cannot stand Sarah Palin and have not liked her from the moment she came on the national scene.  The day after McCain announced that she would be his running mate I almost had a stroke.  Once I recovered enough to catch my breath I focused and acted. The first thing I did was call my State’s Republican Headquarters and asked them if McCain had lost his mind.  I was concerned that maybe dementia had set in and that a terrible mistake had been made, one the could be rectified if someone took immediate action.  Up until Ms. Palin was nominated I was a McCain supporter and to this day I believe that is someone other then Sarah was on the ticket McCain would be the current President of the United States.

My state headquarters did not understand the problem.  When I explained that Ms. Palin went to a number of undergraduate colleges before she receieved her degree they believed I was overreacting.  I can understand a change in Universities but Governor Palin went to more then two colleges before she got her degree and not a single transfer was to move to a higher ranking University.  She just quit and moved on. 

Since I did not get the desired response from my state headquarters I decided I would call McCain’s office in Arizona.  I posed the same question.  What the hell was McCain thinking? Governor Palin had NO EXPERIENCE and really and truly no grasp on any of the real issues facing America.  I commend her for getting elected as the Governor of Alaska but this took fewer votes then are needed for the MAYOR of NYC to get elected.  Additionally I knew Sarah did not have any advanced degree.  Some may call me an elitist but I want the President and the Vice President of the United States of America to have some domestic and foreign policy experience.  By failing to acquire any advanced degree Sarah showed us she had no real intellectual curiosity.  Additionally the fact that she had never traveled out of the United States except for one trip to the Bahamas showed she was not interested in expanding her horizons or learning. Once again Sarah “quit” her education both formal and informal.

As I failed to get McCain’s office to boot her off the ticket it was time to go to the top.  I called the Republican National Headquarters in Washington D.C. and posed my question for the third time.  I must say that each phone call I made was answered by a live person.  They all listened to me and then dismissed me in all fairness to the guy in DC by the time I made this phone call I may have been screeching and was most likely identified as a lunatic.  With that said they should have listened to me, but whatever.

When the campaign began in earnest I almost had to increase my blood pressure medication.  Sarah was unable to answer basic simple questions.  It was obvious that she was not doing her homework.  A candidate for Vice President of the United States who could not answer “What do you think of the Bush Doctrine”  unbelievable coupled with an inability to name a SINGLE newspaper read on a daily basis, inexcusable.  Instead of getting her hair done and paying attention to her Manolo’s Ms. Palin should have spent EVERY MOMENT on the campaign trail educating herself on the real issues facing this country.  Instead she relied on her looks and her winks.  Quitters are the ones who fall back on appearances and gestures it is easier then using your brain and intellect.

Obama and Biden won the election.   Afterwards many thought that Sarah would be the new face of the Republican party a fact that literally made me sick to my stomach and want to crawl into bed and cover my head for the next twenty years. But thankfully for anyone with an IQ over seventy within months Sarah once again showed her true colors.  She QUIT.  She resigned as the Governor of Alaska with eighteen months still left she QUIT.  It has been months since she QUIT and she has yet to give a single reasonable explanation for her decision. 

She is not spending more time with her kids as she has spent the last four months on a book tour.  She is not working to help the Republican platform as she has made few if any appearances on behalf of candidates in all fairness this may be because no one wants her.  She has not done anything to help the people of Alaska since she quit.  In fact she has done NOTHING.  My money is that she is not even the one who wrote her book.  It was most likely done by ghost writers and editors.  She has promoted the book but she has not learned any new tricks.  She still talks about the troops and how she supports them (as do most Americans)  she continues to wink at her audience and she makes excuses for why McCain did not win and why so many dislike her and why she was not able to handle softball questions from Katie Couric.  Ms. Palin takes no personal responsibility,.  She has learned nothing over the past two years.  However we the American people if we pay attention have learned all we need to know about Sarah Palin she is a QUITTER and should never ever by anywhere near the White House

Category(s): Uncategorized

19 DecPanic Attacks – they suck but you can live with them

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A panic attack is a nightmare.  Anyone, anywhere can have a panic attack and once you have one you are at risk of having another one and you could get into a vicious cycle where you have panic attacks because you are concerned about having panic attacks.

There are a number of symptoms associated with panic attacks.  These include feeling that you are having a heart attack or a stroke.  You may feel as if you are unable to catch your breath or that you chest is constricted.  You might feel as if you are having an out of body experience where you are disassociated with your body, as if you are watching yourself from outside.  You may get overheated and feel as if your limbs are not moving correctly and will not cooperate with the signals being sent by your brain.  Often you will be overcome with a sudden and intense feeling that you are going to die.  As stated above panic attacks are a nightmare.

With all of that said if what you are having is a panic attack you are not going to die.  In fact there will be no long term medical risks or side effects from a panic attack.  You may be embarrassed and you may be scared but you will not die.  However you will want to do everything that you can to try and prevent another panic attack as they are awful and can severely compromise your life.  Some people who have a history of panic attacks do not like to leave their homes, or travel or engage in social activities as they are always fearful that they will have another panic attack.  Others will just decide to ignore them and keep going never really addressing the underlying issues that are causing them to have panic attacks.

One of the things that surprise people about panic attacks is that they can often occur AFTER a very stressful event.  You make it through the crisis.  You have maintained your composure and been strong in the face of a disaster and then once it is all over BAM panic attack.  During the crisis you have a place and a way to release all the adrenaline that is running through your system and what happens is that when you finally relax and sit down you no longer have a way to burn off your excess adrenaline it but your body is continuing to produce extra amounts so your heart beats quickly, your breathing quickens, you begin to sweat and the next thing you know is that you are the one in crisis and are dying.  it is horrible.

There are a number of steps you can take that can help you feel more in control of your panic attacks and manage them to the point where you may never have one again or if one starts you can identify the feelings and stop it before it becomes full blown.  One is talk to your doctor.  Do not be embarrassed.  You would be amazed at the number of people who have experienced panic attacks.  We all live in a post 9/11 world and are constantly on the go worrying about the economy, and the planet, and the car pool line and the job.  It is non-stop.  So do not be embarrassed.  Once you talk to your doctor he or she may decided to give you some anti-anxiety medication.  It may be something you take every day or on an as needed basis.  Sometimes just having a prescription will be all that you need.  You can also join a support group to talk to others about what they do to prevent panic attacks.  For some people food is a trigger.  You may need to stay away from stimulants like chocolate and caffeine.  Some women are more prone to attacks depending on where they are in the menstrual cycle.  Tracking this can help.  Also it is important to get enough rest and to remember that you cannot control everything.  Meditation, especially yoga has been shown to help people prevent panic attacks.  I think it is the act of being present and lowering your heart rate and calming your mind.

The most important thing to do is to be honest.  If you are not comfortable telling your doctor tell someone you trust.  Also do not be embarrassed.  If you are willing to admit that you had or have panic attacks you will be amazed at how many people will share with you that they too have had one.  In fact I have had some of the biggest laughs in my life with fellow sufferers.  I do not have to explain the phenomenon to them, they get it and they have stories as crazy as mine about going to hospitals, freaking out their spouse, having to talk themselves down in the bathroom at work.  In fact learning to laugh about your panic attacks may be one of the best things you can do because it takes away the panics power.

Category(s): Uncategorized

19 DecSTRESS – it is what is going to kill me

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Stress, I think this may be what actually kills me.  It may come in the form of a heart attack or a stroke but the real reason will be stress.  I am stressed out and have been since I was a kid waiting for my beloved father to get home after a night of drinking.  I would lie in bed and bargain with God explaining that I would demonstrate my love for him/God by staying awake until I heard the garage door open and my dad walk in the house.  I was exhausted through most of my childhood but at eight I really and truly thought staying awake when tired was a true sacrifice one that God would and could appreciate and that my sacrifice would keep my dad alive. 

In my mid forties I intellectually understand what I was doing and that my staying awake was not what kept my dad alive but even today when someone I love is more then fifteen minutes late it is very easy for me to go into panic mode.  I have a physical reaction.  I sweat, my stomach churns and I feel as if I cannot catch my breath.  My cortisone levels shoot up and I forget to breath.  I am lucky that I have friends and a husband who understand and accept this small piece of insanity in my make-up and they have learned to call and keep me informed if they are going to be late but my initial reaction is still panic.

I also have a very stressful job.  One that most people would run away from within twenty-four hours because it is so insane and there is so little upside.  NOT ME.  I relish the insanity.  It is where I feel most at home.  Where there is chaos and disaster and failure over and over.  I work as an attorney for a local department of social services.  All of the kids in my City who have been abused and neglected come through my office.  I have seen children used as human ashtrays.  I have seen children die from blunt trauma caused by their parents.  I have seen children who were exposed to so many drugs and so much alcohol in utero that they cannot speak or go to the bathroom by themselves.   I have seen the worst of humanity and yet I stay because while I want to get my stress under control I am addicted to the insanity and chaos.  The stress has made me overweight, cranky and many days I hate humanity and yet I stay.

I have spent the last decade trying to get a handle on my stress.  I have been in therapy which was extremely helpful.  It allowed me to recognize my triggers and by recognizing my triggers most of the time I am able to talk myself off the ledge and remember that I am not all knowing and powerful and that all will be well.  I have also found a few pharmaceuticals that have changed my life.  For a long time I was embarrassed about having a need to take medication and I resisted.  It is still not something I freely share with people.  There is a part of my that is ashamed that I need a little help in the serotonin department and yet the medication has been truly life changing. 

Before I took medication I was obsessed with death and dying.  Every time I drove over a bridge I thought that I would have a heart attack, drive across four lanes of traffic, fly off the bridge and land in a fiery heap and end up a quadriplegic.  I never died in my oh so pleasant thoughts of disaster just became injured in a way that would take away all personal control.  Therapy helped me realize the underlying issues. CONTROL CONTROL CONTROL.  Medicine helped me stop the thoughts.

Another way I have tried to get a handle on my stress is through exercise.  The exercise works just as well as the medication the problem is that it is much easier to take a pill then it is to get myself to the gym everyday.  I try and try and fail and fail and then retry.  I had a very good run recently where I exercised everyday for sixty-seven days.  I lost weight.  I felt good.  I was proud of myself.  I have done nothing in the past seven weeks except gain back the weight I lost.  I will try again and have no doubt that I will be successful for at least a little while, maybe this time it will stick I do not know.

Additional steps I have taken have included getting really beautiful bedding and having aromatherapy candles in my bedroom.  Getting rid of much of the excess in my home and trying to live with less.  I keep gratitude lists and I know that I am truly blessed beyond belief.  I am loved and love, I have a home and health insurance.  No one is bombing my neighborhood.  All very good things.  I have also come to accept at the tender age of middle age that I am wired for stress.  It is my default position due to my history and that while I will continue to do what I can to get a handle on it so long as I am me i will never really be stress free.  I may have moments where my mind is at peace and my stress level is low but I do not think I will ever be stress free.  So I have to do the best I can everyday and most importantly give myself a break for not being able to go with the flow.

Category(s): Spirit

12 DecThe Quiet Room – A Journey out of the Torment of Madness

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The Quiet Room: A Journey out of the Torment of Madness by Lori Schiller and Amanda Bennett is a chilling account of one woman’s struggle with schizophrenia.  Lori Schiller had a fairly ideal childhood.  She was the oldest of three children and was loved and supported by her parents.   She was a straight A student and a member of many clubs in High School.  She went to one of the best colleges in the country and it was there that she began to lose her mind.

Ms. Schiller lets us into her own private hell.  A place where “the voices” take over telling her that she is worthless and needs to die.  When she first begins hearing the voices Lori struggles to drown them out.  Throwing herself into “normal” activities, trying to maintain the image that she has carried with her throughout her life.  When the voices begin they are not constant they come and they go and in the periods of silence Lori is able to mend her life long enough to put the pieces back together.  After graduating from college the voices return and this time they never really leave.  Along with the voices Lori experiences visual hallucinations.

Ms. Schiller takes us on a journey into the mind of a schizophrenic.  Many of the passages appear to be streams of consciousness.  Many different voices saying many different things none of them pleasant.  Throughout the book the voices become louder and stronger and Lori enters the revolving doors of mental hospitals.

One of the most interesting aspects of the book is that her parents, brothers and one friend contribute chapters.  Lori shares her experiences and perceptions of time and events and you then read how her parents and others experienced Lori’s illness.  Her father is a psychologist and he has a very hard time admitting to himself, his family and his friends the extent of his daughters illness.  Her mother blames herself for Lori’s predicament and Lori’s roommate gives an account of watching someone go slowly insane.

The book does not sugarcoat mental illness nor mental hospitals nor the impact that mental illness has on a family.  You will see the inside of the mind of a person in the middle of visual and auditory hallucinations.  Throughout the book you will read about different treatments and clinical perceptions for schizophrenia.  The book ends on a high note.  Eventually Lori, the doctors and her family find a way for Lori to begin to live with her condition.  With that said the book was written in 1994 and there is no further information on Lori Schiller.  My hope is that she continues to be able to live with her illness but one does not know.

Category(s): Book Reviews

01 DecBook Review – Better A surgeons notes on performance by Atul Gawande

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Better A Surgeon’s Notes on Performance by Doctor Atul Gawande is an absolutely fascinating book on almost every level.  This is Gawande’s second book, his first was Complications which was written during his residency.  Better takes place after he takes a position as a general surgeon at a Boston hospital.  Gawande has a way with words.  They are infused with knowledge, insight and humility.  Additionally he covers an incredibly broad range of experience within two-hundred and fifty seven pages.  The book starts off with the importance of washing one’s hands and how most doctors do not do this on a regular basis but that if they did the number of cases of infections in hospitals would drop dramatically.

He then moves on to his experience working with the World Health Organization (”WHO”) to eradicate polio just like small pox was eradicated decades ago.  Gawande goes along with a mop-op in India where the goal is to get all children under the age of five vaccinated in a three day period.  This is done with extremely limited resources a host of volunteers and in all reality no real power.  WHO organizes the mop op but they have no real control over any of the players and yet they achieved a success rate of over 90% and were able to contain the spread of the disease.  If WHO keeps doing this the reality is that it is 100% possible that polio will be eradicated within our lifetime.

The next section of the book deals with what surgeons are currently doing on the battlefields in Iraq and Afghanistan and how these decisions have lowed death rates to less then ten percent even in injuries that should be life threatening including loss of limbs and traumatic brain injuries coupled with bomb blast injuries.  Gawande explains how looking at the injuries that small changes have had big impacts two of the changes that have been made is mandated that all service personnel wear their Kevlar vests.  This is no longer an option it is a requirement and the Generals are mandating this and holding their commanders accountable.  Another change was in the look of eye protection.  Services members did not want to wear that old glasses because they looked like they belonged on seniors in Florida.  The Army gave into the sense of fashion and redesigned the eye wear.  It is being worn and eye and facial injuries have dropped drastically.

Gawande also covers the treatment and follow up of cystic fibrosis – 20 years ago the average life span was just over eighteen today many many patients are living into their fifties with some having life spans of sixty years.  All by opening up the process and focusing on working with the patients and not being stuck abiding my standards.

As you read the book you will also learn about HMOS, medical care in third world countries with a focus on a shift in treatments in India and other countries.  Gawande also touches on medical malpractice, doctors working in prisons and examining and treating prisoners on death row including participating in executions. You will also get brief insights into stand labor and delivery practice and at the end be challenged to be the best you can in whatever field you practice and also live.

I cannot recommend this book highly enough.  It should be read by anyone who wants to be better and/or great at their job and their lives.

Peace

Category(s): Book Reviews
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